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Having a Baby

It seems that having a baby is just not that easy. Despite of all the commercial where you just touch a female counterpart and a baby pops out, I haven't had much success with my wife. Test results have shown that we are both normal. So I must say the commercials are scare tactics created by alarmists.

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Attached File: Having a Baby [www.RealityTalkShow.com].mp3

Chieh Cheng
Fri, 01 Sep 2006 10:15:07 -0700

I've had sex 4 times in 5 years and I have 3 kids to show for it... you're not putting it in her butt are you?


Seriously... I'd be happy to coach you if you need some pointers.

OK, no... that really wasn't serious either.

I'm taking a lesson from my wife and assuming it's all your fault... you are a guy after all. Here are some suggestions that might actually be worth trying before you pay a doctor...from silliest to most serious.

I say you should practice holding back as long as you can and use a blank wall preferrably a different color than white... (or cardboard if your wife is picky about that sort of thing... even though it's for a good cause) as target practice... As soon as you can hit higher than your head... you'll have a baby in no time. Proper, powerful ejaculation will increase the volume of sperm that gets into the filopean tubes.

Also, here are a few more suggestions.

A> Drink many more fluids, especially if your semen is excessively thick. When you are dehydrated, your body protects what little fluid it has resulting in less liquid output... urine, sweat, and semen included. Less fluid gives less material for your sperm to swim in (they just go in little circles) and less protection from any harmful pH that may be present in... that environment.

B> Coitus interruptus (look it up if you don't know latin) can be used to increase volume and viscosity. This will also help the distance the sperm is initially projected which reduces the distance they have to swim later.

C> Change your underwear...no, not from dirty to clean, (well, yes -- do that, but not because I said so, just smell them) but from tightie whities (aka ball huggers) to boxers or vise versa on days where you might have sex... If your testicles are the wrong temperature, they don't generate as much sperm. If you wear boxers consistently, they may be too cold. If you wear ball huggers, they're probably too warm. If you wear a speedo, you're on your own.

Say, you're a propeller head... you could look up the optimal testicle temperature on WebMD or something..., then rig temperature sensors with wireless updates and an alarm when you're ready. "Honey, I'm hot!" A cool acronym for your wireless optimal testicle temperature system (WOTTS?) will be a homework assignment and will help sales on T-Bay.

Also, if you don't know when she is ovulating, you'll have to have sex every day, but if you get really intimate and use all of your senses (especially your nose), you'll know when she's ready. It's instinctual (whether or not instinctual is a word). It is technically possible for her to be ovulating during her period as well though it doesn't really make sense to me. It certainly doesn't hurt to try, but you might have to skip a few rounds of foreplay if you know what I mean.

Despite the bad start to this post, those last several suggestions are actually serious. Trust me... My sperm were so dangerous they had to be permanently sequestered.

It HAD to be serious... a man went down there with a needle, thread and a lighter to fix the problem, and a woman had to watch to make sure he finished the job. Then I had to go to a lab and have another woman verify that the first woman wasn't bribed to save my sperm.

My prediction is that your sperm aren't quite as strong for some reason as they should be. (I think low blood pressure could be a factor, you should work with your doctor to correct that.) That said, you still have reasonable chance to have a girl because the female sperm (those without the y chromosome) live longer to compensate for the fact that they don't swim as strongly as the male sperm.

Oh, and don't be frustrated with your wife or yourself. Recent clinical and university research has shown that anger and yelling can lead to real physical problems including disturbances in normal biological rhythms and make wounds take longer to heal.

Listen to my advice and you should have a beautiful baby girl in about 9 months and 2 weeks (or less, depending how long it takes you to follow my advice... heck, it could be a few hours unless you already pissed your wife off).

Don't let her read this... see that anger thing.

Thu, 05 Oct 2006 01:32:23 -0700

Eew. See professionally trained medical advice. NEVER seek Dan's advice about anything.

Sandy - Dan\'s wife
Thu, 05 Oct 2006 15:45:15 -0700

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